The New Year Digital Detox

  1. LOGGING OFF – The Offline will announce on all digital platforms the she is going to be off social media for January and ” trying to reconnect with the world around her”. Unfortunately the world around her will be too busy not drinking, going vegan and taking up knitting to notice. The Offline will leave it a few hours before deleting her apps just in case anyone messages to say how much they will miss her!
  2. NODDING OFF – The Offline will set her new retro alarm clock and leave her phone in the kitchen so she can practice good ” sleep hygiene” . The offline will go to bed at 10 pm to unwind and read a good book. She will fall asleep at 10.08pm with the book on her face.
  3. LEARNING IN – The Offline will sleep through her alarm because her rain didn’t recognise the retro sound. She will read the newspaper on her morning commute, which will go well until she tries to ” zoom in ” on the page.
  4. ANTISOCIAL BEHAVIOUR – Realising that she has missed three Facebook birthdays, two baby announcements, five celebrity scandals and a especially juicy breakup, The Offline will attempt to nature her friendships the analogue way; ringing people up for spontaneous chat! This will not go down well. Every friend will ignore her call.
  5. POWERING DOWN – To make the most of her screen – free lunch hour. The Offline will start a mindfulness journal. She will buy an overpriced notebook and fountain pen to jot down poetic observations about the world. By the end of the week she will have written a shopping list and a haike about a Pret salad. The Offline will also take up painting as a hobby but grow irritated when she can’t simply blur out mistakes with a handy filter.
  6. ZONING OUT – When The Offline sees her friends face to face after a week of digital detoxing, she will greet the emotionally, as though she is coming back from war. The Friends will keep laughing about something hilarious that happened on WhatsApp without her. ” You must feel so zen! You probably don’t even miss it, do you ?” they will all say. ” Oh, totally, ” The Offline will reply, absent- mindedly trying to scroll down a beer mat. “so very zen.”

Will you be try this in January ?

As seen in Cosmopolitan

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